Jobless...discouraged.

I've been meaning to write a new post for awhile, but every time I start to write I find that I don't really feel like writing. I'm not feeling like my normal positive upbeat self. I'm feeling incredibly discouraged because I haven't been able to find a job yet. . There's one lead I've stumbled upon last week...I emailed in my application this weekend & the guy said he'd be in tough soon. I haven't heard anything so far & it's really hard to get my hopes up about anything. I'm praying hard about this job...that's all that matters. So any of you reading this please be praying for me to find a job.

Crafty Creations

Sometimes, I can be pretty creative...it takes a lot of thought & I'm not very confident about it, but I rather enjoy it.   So I figured I'd take time today & share a few of the things that I've made over time.

I made this door hanger announcement for the birth of my newest niece (best friend's daughter).  Her theme is the Fisher Price Precious Planets.  

This was also painted for my sweet niece.

This is actually painted on a block of wood. 

I am making my sister a scrapbook for Christmas & this is one of the pages that I've completed.

My best friend's birthday was Tuesday & I made her this picture frame.  

I'm working on a few more things for Christmas gifts, I'll try to post pics of those too...And I'm making another birth announcement door hanger for a friend who is due in March.  

Wait for the Lord

Wait for the Lord; be strong & take heart & wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

Throughout this whole job searching process, this verse has become my theme.  It reminds me that things happen in God's timing not mine.  I'm anxious & scared that I won't find a job.  I don't know what will happen if I don't.  But I do know that anxiety & fear aren't from God. God calls us to have faith in Him.  I saw a quote on Pinterest (totally addicted) that said "Faith in God includes faith in God's timing." So to have faith in Him, I must have faith that His timing is perfect.  Just because nothing is happening for me now, doesn't mean it won't happen, it just means that God has something better in store for me.  

The amazing thing is that I'm not in this by myself.  He says that he will never leave or forsake us.  Which means that He is ALWAYS there, even when I can't feel him.  And to be honest, at the moment, I'm in one of those places.  I'm not feeling his presence, I don't know if I'm doing what He wants, I don't feel a strong conviction about going this way or that, or calling this place about a job opportunity.   I am really anxious to hear something from Him because I'm stressing about a job.  But I don't believe that He isn't with me through my struggles.  I just know that He is choosing to be silent right now, no matter how much the enemy tries to make me doubt my relationship with Him.  Maybe none of the opportunities that are on the table is a part of His plan for my life, maybe something even better will come up tomorrow or the next day.  I just have to stay strong & wait for him.  His plan is far above anything I can imagine.  

So in ending this post, I ask for prayers for a job & for strength to simply wait for the Lord & his plan.  

Goodbye October, Hello November

Wow, can't believe it's already November.  This year has been a roller coaster with school and then finishing and getting certified & licensed as a FNP, and now trying to find a job.  It's been a horribly wonderful year.  I still can't believe I'm actually a NP.  It's something I've wanted for so long & I've actually achieved it!  I think it'll sink in more when I'm actually doing it everyday.  I'm really hoping for a job to come along soon!  I've put in several apps & sending prayers up constantly for the job that He has for me.  I know something will come along in His perfect timing, so I just have to wait.

Last night, my oldest sister brought her 3 kids over to our house to go trick or treating in our neighborhood, like they do every year.  We had a lot of fun & they got lots of candy, although I told my sister that her kids (the younger 2 since the oldest doesn't trick or treat anymore) were the worst trick or treaters ever!  They were so funny, they'd just be walking along, not paying attention to the houses that had lights on...we'd have to tell them every house to go to just about.  When I was little I didn't need ANY prodding!  I took my 6 year old Chi-a-Dach (or Chi-weenie) with us. He was dressed as a jack-o-lantern.  He absolutely hates his costume, but he looked so adorable & got so many compliments.  He did much better with the crowds than I expected him to...he typically doesn't do well with strangers, but I guess it was different since the strangers weren't at "his" house.

Rebel in his costume...can you tell he isn't happy??

Rebel after trick-or-treating with the kids...he was wore out!  

Why yes, I AM a FNP!

A couple of hours ago, I was sitting in front of a computer screen at a testing center wondering if I was taking the wrong test because I felt like I missed every single question.  I gathered the courage to hit "End Test' and prepared what I was sure would be "Failed".  But, a survey popped up on the screen next, so I anxiously completed it...and then it went back to the home screen. No passed or failed...just the home screen.  I started to panic, sure that meant I had failed.  I looked at the testing lady & she waved me out of the testing room.  She was holding a piece of paper in her hand, she looked up at me & said "You passed."  A huge wave of relief rushed over me as my knees gave out.  The only thing that kept me from hitting the floor was that I was holding on to the wall.  I gathered my composure and walked out to my car...where I lost it again & started completely freaking out!  I am actually a certified FNP...something I've dreamed about forever & it's actually a reality.  Praise Jesus...all the glory to Him!

The Band Perry

Tuesday night, the Band Perry performed at the MS State Fair.  They are amazingly talented & put on a great show!  Even better, they are from MS!  It was just me & my niece, it was so much fun...it was her first concert & she loved it!  It was just as much fun to watch her as it was to watch the actual show.  Concerts are about the only time when I really dislike being short...it almost never fails unless I'm right at the stage, I end up not being able to see well.  Since my niece is little, she stood in a chair the whole time so she could see.  Here are a few pics from the concert...I shot some videos, but I haven't uploaded them from my phone yet.  I am not a photographer by any means tho.

In my true random style...

I haven't blogged in a while.  I haven't really felt that I've had anything worth blogging about.  But here goes an entry just because I feel like I need to check in here.  I've recently become super-addicted to Pinterest. It's awesome & I've found so many cute ideas...now I just need to put down the computer long enough to do some of them.

Tonight I tried my first idea that I got from Pinterest...homemade cheese sticks!  They were awesome & simple!  Just took pre-packaged string cheese & battered them with flour-egg & milk mixture-& Italian bread crumbs, then fried them.  I will definitely be making that a lot!

Speaking of fried stuff, the Mississippi State Fair started last week...and I haven't been yet.  I love the fair, but sadly this year, I don't really have the money to go.  The  fair food is the best part of the fair!  It's so not good for you, but so delicious, as most things are! But there are other reasons to go to the fair...like the concerts on the Midway.  Tomorrow night The Band Perry will be performing there, so I am taking my awesome niece to the show.  I really think she's gonna love it!

Well, I guess that's enough of my randomness for now...I am headed to bed.  Good night!

Random facts

I am completely devoid of blogging topics at the moment, so I thought I'd just post some random facts about me...so here goes!

1. There's a good reason this blog is called "Random Ramblings of Me"...I tend to be just a little random most of the time...but I like it!

2. I love to travel.  I really want to visit all 50 states at some point in my life...as of right now, I've only been to 9 states, 11 if you count the ones that I've been in the airport.

3. I got my only paddling in school when I was in the 6th grade & got into a fist fight with this boy because he wouldn't leave my glasses alone & I told him that if he messed with them again, I would punch him...he did so I did...I was soo terrified of what my mama & daddy would say, but suprisingly I didn't get in too much trouble.
4. I tend to get very discouraged by all the people around me, especially high school classmates, getting married & having children, but I always remember that God has a greater plan for my life than I could ever imagine & that being a wife & mom fits in there somewhere, just not now.

5. Reading is one of my most favorite past times! My favorite authors are Jodi Picoult & Jennifer Weiner.  If you've never read any of their books, you should!

6. I completely lack any motivation to exercise, even though I know how important it is!  I want to get into shape, but I find myself unable to make myself get up & do something about it on most days.  


7.  I love football!  And this weekend was a great weekend!  A MS State win & a Giants win!  But sadly, a Colts loss.  Yep, I'm a fan of both Manning brothers.

Longing

I find myself longing for this place...I've only been there once & only for a week...but it holds a very special place in my heart.  Nicaragua is a very beautiful country full of beautiful, precious people.  

 We spent the week providing medical care, dental care, and sharing the love of Jesus with the people of a small Nicaraguan village of San Fransisco.  Before this trip I had never led anyone to salvation before, and I had that amazing opportunity while there.  It was an experience like no other.

 I can't wait to go back...hopefully I'll have the change to go back next September.  Until then I will continue to pray for the opportunity to go back & pray for the people whose lives we touched while we were there.

10 years

Ten years ago, I was a sophomore in high school. I had never heard of Osama Bin Laden, didn't have a clue what the Taliban was, and the idea that some people hate the Americans so much that they are willing to kill themselves just to attempt to destroy our nation was unfathomable. But on September 11, 2001 all that changed for me as well as the majority of the country. That morning, I was at school, in Honors English.  We turned on the TV and watched the events unfold. I remember hearing the phrase "terrorist attack" and being terrified...I had no idea exactly what that meant.  But I also remember the overwhelming unity of Americans and being proud to be an American.

Now, 10 years later, I know exactly who Osama Bin Laden & the Taliban are, and I know that they hate Americans & why. I know that this isn't over...& there are soldiers overseas everyday willing to sacrifice everything to protect us & our freedoms.  So I want to say what I don't say often enough...THANK YOU to military that served in the past, present, & future.  I'll never understand what y'all  (and your families) have to endure and what y'all give up to protect me & my freedoms.

Police officers and firemen work tirelessly to protect & serve right here at home.  They aren't recognized nearly enough for putting their lives on the line for us...and that day in 2001, their bravery shined as they fearlessly went into that building and did everything possible to ensure as many people survived as possible, even if it meant sacrificing their lives.

God's timing.

A couple of months ago, a friend of my sister's said she'd talk to her cousin who is a pediatrician about me and a job.  Well, her cousin took my info & said she'd call me, so for a while I was all anxious about her calling me.  Then, I had kind of forgotten about it, and I got a call from her today!  We set up a meeting for Tuesday afternoon. It's not exactly an interview, but it could definitely lead to a job, so I'm super excited!!   I could use all the prayers  you want to send my way!

Here goes nothing...

Today, I talked to a recruiter for NPs & PAs and she is giving my name to a place in Decatur, IL for a possible job.  She's also gonna look around for some Peds jobs.  So, I've started the ball rolling on finding a job out of Mississippi.  So, we will see what happens.  I'm still looking in state for jobs, but I kind of think I may be able to find a better job out of MS right now.  I'm nervous about it, but I kind of feel the same way I felt when I was deciding about Nicaragua last year...and that turned out to be exactly where God wanted me to be.

Comfort zone...

The job hunt continues...so far NOTHING!  But it would help if I got certified.    But anyway, today I talked to a Nurse Practitioner recruiter and he said he had opportunities in New York state, Maine, & Minnesota for new grads.  While the thought of moving somewhere new & different sounds exciting...I'm WAY to chicken to actually do it.  It would be such an adventure, but it's so hard for me to get out there & get to know new people, so I'd be miserable.  I'm not brave enough to just move to some random place without knowing a soul.  I wish I was though.  That would be so much fun and so exciting.  Even to do it for just a couple of years.  I am truly a southern girl through & through so moving wouldn't be permanent...that is IF I ever got the courage to try it.

I am going to pray about it.  Sometimes God calls us to do things that aren't exactly in our comfort zone.  I used to think that I'd never go on a mission trip out of the country, but a year ago this week I went on my first trip to Nicaragua & I am already looking forward to the opportunity to go again with the same group in Sept. 2012.  I remember being nervous & a little freaked out , but now I see it as an opportunity to serve God as He calls me.  I pray that I can look at the possibility of moving off in the same light.  

Unworthy

Have you ever felt unworthy to call on God in a time of need?  Like, why would he help me now??  That's kind of how I'm feeling now....I haven't been making time for my quiet time, I got lost in our chronological one year bible readings somewhere back in May, & haven't just sat and said a genuine prayer in I don't know how long and now here I am really desperate for Him to move in my life & give me peace about a stressful situation, and I feel like I don't deserve his grace or mercy right now. I almost feel as if I deserve this situation as a punishment for not being as faithful in my walk with him as I should be.  Thankfully, the God I serve doesn't give me what I deserve.  He doesn't give grace or mercy or peace only if we've been faithfully reading our Bible and praying everyday...He answers when we call out & forgives us when we fall away from running passionately after him. I am so blessed to have a Heavenly Father that loves me unconditionally no matter how many times I screw up & fall away...He ALWAYS welcomes me back with open arms.  What's sad is how often we stray and have to fall back into his open arms...why do we always think we can do it better?  Why don't we just save ourselves a lot of heartache & stress and quit trying to hold on to everything & attempt to do it ourselves?  With all that being said, I am letting go & letting God.  And I'd greatly appreciate all prayers any of you would like to send my way!

I.Give.Up.

Yep, I'm having one of THOSE moments.  I give up on ever finding a guy.  It's just not gonna happen...got my hopes all up about this guy from the clinic & it's so obvious that he's not interested & I just look pathetic.  So I give up, but for some reason I can't make myself delete him from facebook.  I really should though.

I know all the things I should say/think...I am so blessed with the life I have (no doubt, I am, way more blessed than I deserve); the right guy will come along (IF he's out there, he got lost & won't ask for directions); I'm still young (true, but it's hard to feel that I'm too young to be married when most of my friends are married & have babies)

And most of the time I'm pretty good about keeping the upbeat attitude, but then there are times when I feel it's absolutely pointless to be positive about it.

I'm also starting to get anxious about a job...still no interviews...and I talked to this recruiting company and the lady seems to think that my chances of finding my dream job without relocating, which really bums me out because I love where I'm at right now...

Kinda strange...

Sometimes when I have elderly patients in clinical it makes me miss my grandparents. They have all went to be with Jesus.   I had one of those moments today, especially missing my Mamaw Kelly (my mom's mom).  Maybe it's because her birthday would have been Monday or that next Wednesday it will have been 7 years since she left this world.  She babysat me from the time I was like 6 weeks old until I was about 9 when she had a stroke.  After the stroke, she wasn't the same Mamaw I had known, and had to be put in a nursing home for most of the rest of her time on this earth.  But when she died when I was 18, it still broke my heart into a thousand pieces.  I miss her everyday, and from time to time thoughts of her still make me cry.  I think of how she's in heaven now with no more pain, and her brain is fully restored, and she's walking, no running, around the streets of gold and it makes me smile, and long for the days when I'll see her again.  I was blessed with the greatest grandparents a girl could ask for, I just wish they hadn't been taken from me so early in my life.  But I have hope because I will see them again one day without the limitations of this world.

It's been a while...

In about 4 weeks I'll have my MSN and be ready to take certification exam for FNP.  I'm so excited & so nervous at the same time!!  This year has flown by...it seems like just yesterday I was starting my first semester!  There's still a lot to do before I'm completely at ease...like pass certifications & find a job!  Next week is our last week of class...just a few more papers to turn in & present our research.  I'm nervous about not finding a job...there doesn't seem to be many NP openings around here, but who knows maybe I'm just not looking in the right places.  I'm just praying the right job for me presents itself soon!!

I'm gonna be an aunt again very soon!  Well not biologically an aunt, but that doesn't really matter.  My best friend is expecting her baby any day now.  She's not due until August 7, but her doc doesn't expect her to go longer than August 1.  We'll find out then if I have a new nephew or niece...they chose to be surprised about the gender.  I'm SO SO SO excited!

Randomness is what I do best...

Hmm...so the world didn't end on Saturday as predicted.  Not that I actually thought it would.  I think it's crazy that a "Christian" so blatently disputed the Bible.  He was so adament that we COULD know the day & time, when the Bible clearly states that NO ONE can know the day or the hour, not even the Son or the angels in heaven. 

Most people are starting their summers this week.  Kids are getting out of school and everyone's preparing for their summer vacations, etc.  But not for me.  I've been out of school since the first week in May, and I'm preparing to get back to school!  I start my last semester of NP school on June 1.  And I'm sure I will be completely swamped with school until I finish on August 5.  I'm excited, nervous, and even a little bit stressed at the idea of this last semester.  I'm also getting a little stressed about finding a job.  I just really hope I can find one before August! 

I'm ready for a little excitement in my life, but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.  Mainly because of the topic mentioned above.  School makes life incredibly boring!  Well, that and not having any money, which is caused by the whole school thing... I'm ready for a guy in my life. So lame, I know...still kind of disappointed that things seem as if they aren't going anywhere with the guy my preceptor tried to set me up with.  Still haven't heard anything from him.  I broke down and sent him a message on Facebook the other day, on the advice of a friend.  All it said was, "Hey. How are you?" because I had no idea what to say...Lame, I know!  But he never replied so I can only assume he isn't interested.  I've debated deleting him from my facebook because I don't really have a reason to have him on there if I'm never going to talk to him.  I'm not much for having random people on my friend's list.  I know no one probably reads this, so I just use it as more of an outlet to express my feelings because I find it hard to do otherwise.  I feel incredibly desperate for wanting him to call/text/message so bad because I don't even know him...all I know is the stuff he posts on facebook.  I feel like since I've added him & sent that one message that if I do anything else it'll come across as desperate.  Adding him & sending the message, should indicate that I'm interested, right.  So, I shouldn't do anything else.  Just kinda wondering when something will work out for me...

My crazy life

Well as of yesterday, I finished my 2nd semester of NP school.  Which means I am now 2/3 of the way finished.  Actually closer than that...our last semester is only 8 weeks & begins on June 1.  I will finish on August 5th!  I am getting soo excited, but extremely nervous at the same time about finding a job & keeping my sanity through the summer.  School has been keeping me really busy & REALLY stressed!!  Hopefully this summer won't be quite so bad. 

But on to more important things...
Like 2 weeks ago, my preceptor from last semester called me and asked me if I remembered this patient that I saw at her clinic one time.   It was a guy around my age who they just thought would be perfect for me...so I remembered him.  Well, he was at the clinic & they were talking and he was asking if I was still there & stuff and they told him that they thought we'd make a good couple & he said he thought I was cute. Basically, my preceptor called to ask if she could give him my number & to give me his number & to tell me that he said he had a facebook and I could contact him there if I wanted to.  Well I told her she could give him my number.  So she did.  Well...he never called.  She even texted me like a week later & asked about it.  So, after talking to my best friend I decided to add him on facebook, so I did & he accepted  my request, but he still hasn't called.  I am determined that I am NOT going to call him first...but I really want him to call me.  It's not like I have a huge crush on him or anything, but it'd just be nice to see what happened, ya know? 

Well that's basically the interesting stuff going on in my life at the moment...any input?

Wanna know more about me??

What is your name?   Courtney

What is your zodiac sign?   Libra

What kind of music do you enjoy listening to?   Christian, 80's, 90's, Country..I know a random variety

Do you like sports (watch or play)? yep.  Baseball, football, soccer, hockey!

What is your relationship status?  single

Do you have any children? nope, unless you count my 2 nephews & niece that I love with all my hear
What are 2 of your favorite foods?  pizza, mexican

Do you have any pets? yep, one dog, a 6 year old Chi-a-Dach named Rebel
Any tattoos or piercings? just my ears...I've considered a tattoo, but I can't make up my mind.

Do you have siblings?  2 older sisters

How is your relationship with your parents? great!

What is your occupation? RN...grad student, will be Family Nurse Practitioner in about 4 months!!!

What is your ideal job? Pediatric Nurse Practitioner

What was your best subject in school? In high school, I didn't have a bad subject...my favorite was Math though. 
Your worst subject in school? didn't like History so much

What is something you like to do in your downtime? read

What is your favorite season? Spring...even though Mississippi doesn't really have a spring

What is your least favorite house chore? bathroom

What time do you usually go to bed? 10:00-10:30

Do you wear glasses or contacts? contacts most of the time, but I do have glasses that I wear when necessary
Do you miss anyone at the moment? yeah, missing both sets of grandparents & my best friend, Kayla.  They've all been with Jesus for a while now, but I still miss them
Last time you took a bubble bath? years & years ago...not a bubble bath person. 

What is one thing you want to accomplish this year? graduate NP school & get a good job

What is your favorite holiday? Christmas, I love everything about the season

Do you have any allergies? just seasonal stuff
Do you enjoy thunderstorms? NOT at all

Have you/do you plan to vote this year? yeah, I always vote

What cell phone provider do you use? AT&T

Do you speak any languages besides English? no, I want to learn Spanish though

What is a smell that you love? fresh cut grass

What is the last vacation you went on? to Destin, FL in Sept. 2009

Have you ever been horseback riding? yeah, when I was younger

Have you ever gambled at a casino? yeah, like once...not my thing

What is the last thing you ate and drank? Water, cheesecake

What time do you wake up in the morning? typically 6:30, but it depends on what I'm doing that day

Do you have any quotes that you really like?yeah.  "Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."  that's probably my most favorite
What is the last song you listened to? listening to "The Motions" by Matthew West at the moment

What radio stations do you listen to? KLOVE, JackFM (oldies station)

Do you sleep with your closet Door open or closed, or does it matter? closed

Do you prefer to sleep with any light in the room, or in total darkness? light from my TV or total darkness...either way

If you are having a hard time getting to sleep, What is something you do to help you fall asleep?  making the room quiet...that's about it.

What is the weather like right now where you are? pleasant, a little warm, but hey it's MS

Do you close the door when you use the bathroom or shower when you're home alone? not always

Next vacation you plan to go on? cruise in August after I finish school
Do you have any nicknames?  Court, Grace, Court-Court

Are you watching tv right now? nope

When is the last time you cried? teared up earlier thinking about all the people I miss. but really cried...a couple of weeks ago when I watched Army Wives

Have you ever been in love? only with Jesus

Have you gotten so drunk that you Dont remember what happened the next day? nope, never been drunk at all

Do you always wear your seatbelt?  yes

What do you like to order at Ihop?  cheesecake pancakes

What was your last injury and how did it happen?  I skinned my toes when I was swinging with my youngest nephew &; was trying to stop

If you could have one superhero ability, What would it be? flying...I hate driving!

What is the last movie you saw in the theater? Red Riding Hood

What are 2 fruits that you really like? watermelon & grapes

What is the first tv show theme song that you can think of? Fresh Prince of Bel-Air...weird I know.

How do you feel about your family? love them, even though they get on my nerves, I'll always have their back

What is your favorite salad dressing? Ranch or Honey Mustard
Do you call anyone by their last name? Yeah a couple of guys that I know

Have you ever walked into the bathroom for the opposite sex by accident (or on purpose)? no

Do you smoke, drink or use any kind of drugs? nope

Have you ever had your heart broken? nope

If you could go back in time and change anything from your past, would you do so? yes, I'd spend more time with my grandparents & Kayla, and not take the time I had with them for granted
Do you hate anyone? no

Are you angry with anyone at the moment? only the vice principal at  my nephew's school...

Is there something else you should be doing right now? yes, I should be in bed!

Who is the next person you are going to see? probably my sister because we live together

Who is the next person you are going to email?  either my advisor or my research partner

He loves me anyway

God seems to speak to me a lot through songs. Certain songs lift me up & leave me feeling refreshed in my walk with my Heavenly Father.  There's nothing better than jamming out to a song that sings about our awesome God.  One song that really spoke to me the other day is You Love me Anyway by Sidewalk Prophets. 

Here are the lyrics:

The question was raised

As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind

Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me
It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway

See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life


I found myself listening to this song, driving down the road with tears streaming down my face.  It hit me hard as I realized that each piece of torture Jesus bore was because of me...for ME he took the crown of thorns on his brow, for ME he took the nails in each wrist.  He bore it ALL for a sinner, who would betray him like Judas, who would mock him & call for him to die like the Jews.  He loved me even when I didn't love him.  Before I was born He LOVED ME!  He bore it all so I could spend eternity with him.  He loves me that much! 

Don't get me wrong, all this is stuff that I already knew but it's almost like it's something I forgot.  As Christians I think sometimes we don't see the depth of His love in the cross.  Like we KNOW that he died for our sins so we can have eternal life in our brains, but we picture his death on the cross like it  is so often depicted in pictures like this:

Completely intact & peaceful.  When it's so not how it was.  He SUFFERED!  He was beaten...his blood was literally spilled everywhere for us.  He was in anguish because the sins of everyone was on his shoulders.  More like this:


My God loved me First!  I didn't have to be good enough or try hard enough for him to love me...he loved me ANYWAY! 

God is good all the time; All the Time God is good

I have decided that I am the worst blogger ever!  I have no idea what I'm doing & half the time I forget to update it. But here I am struggling along.  Any advice fellow bloggers?

Tuesday, I signed up for my last semester of grad school!!  It seems surreal to me that I am already almost done with my second semester & will soon be starting my third & final semester!  And in a little over 4 months I will be done with grad school.  I had my plans for school...and it seems surreal that they fell into place exactly like I had planned...that's how I know that God is in control!  It's easy to let him have control of my school life.  After I first started my undergrad, I was struggling and not making time for Him in my life...it was tougher than ever.  Then, He spoke to me & told me to put Him first in all I did and trust Him & not try to do it all myself and everything else would be okay. And in school it's been easy to do that, to completely trusting in Him pulling me through each test, check-off, & assignment. 

But as far as relationships go, it's the hardest thing for me to let go & completely trust His will.  I say that I'm laying it down at His feet, but I pick it back up almost daily. I feel so alone sometimes.  I want that ONE to spend my life with, but I am afraid that I won't ever find him.  That's like saying that I don't trust God to lead me to him or him to me.  Like I don't trust His timing.  I know in my head that His timing is perfect & there's a reason he hasn't led me & my future-husband together yet & one day He will & I will completely understand why I had to wait.  But it's the time leading up to that point that is so hard for me.  I see people all around me getting married and going on to start families and I feel like I'm being left behind in a sense.  For example, my best friend has been married for 4 years and now she & her husband are expecting their first child in August.  I am SOO excited for them & so excited to be an "aunt", but it makes me long for that for myself.  In my personal little fantasy world, I always pictured myself married by now, but I'm no where close. I feel like God has told me that I'm supposed to finish school before I get married...but that hasn't stopped me from obsessing about it.  I just don't know what to do.  More of Him; Less of me...that's all I can do. 

Wow, I didn't know I had all that in me...sorry for going on & on like that.

On Mission for Christ

For God, who said, 'Let there be light in the darkness,' has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.

2 Corinthians 4:6

This week, we have several teams from my church that are all over the world sharing the love of Christ! This weekend groups left for Vancouver, North Africa, Russia, Peru, & Nicaragua to bring light to the darkness of the world over Spring Break.  I am so blessed to be a part of a church that sends so many people out constantly to further God's Kingdom.  Be in prayer for these groups over the course of this week. 

With so many groups going this week, it's gotten me to thinking about mission work for myself...and I can't wait to go again, but I just feel as if it's on hold right now with school.  Not only do I not have the time to take off to go anywhere, I also do not have the money. So 2011 doesn't look like a good year for me to go on a mission trip anywhere.  Even though I finish school in August, I figure I will spend the rest of the year getting certified and starting & getting settled into my new job...wherever that will be!  I'm so excited about the opportunities that will come open once I graduate & where my new career will take me.  But right now, I must get busy on a case study. 

Love for hockey

This past weekend, I went to my first ever hockey game!  Not only have I never been to a game before, but I had never even watched a hockey game before Saturday night.  I immediately fell in love with the game.  It  was incredible!   I now feel a need to learn as much about the game as I can, and to get back to another game ASAP!  So, I guess I can officially say I am a Mississippi Surge fan!  That is our SPHL team located on the coast of Mississippi.  After the game, we got to meet some of the players and get autographs...they were all great. 

Me & my sister went down to the coast (which is like a 3 hour drive for us) to visit a friend of ours & go to a Mardi Gras parade.  I didn't know Mardi Gras was that big down there.  Even though it was rainy, the parade was still great.  The rain held off until the tail end of the parade and it didn't start raining hard until we made it to the car. After the parade, our friend suggested the hockey game, so we were like why not...who knew I'd find a love for the sport. 

This weekend was a much needed break for me...even though I had 2 tests on Monday. I was able to spend most of the time during the car ride down there and back to study.  I am so ready to get out of school, so my weekends can be my fun times again, with no worries. 

I promise I will try to update more often & not just disappear into thin air!  NP school has a way of taking over my life!

Only about 5 months left!!!

Dreams

Last night, I had a dream about my best friend who passed away nearly 6 years ago at the age of 17.  Even though it's been just about 6 years, thoughts of her still bring tears to my eyes.  I miss her so much.  In my dream, I don't really remember much, but I remember that she got to come back to earth to see us for a weekend, but she had to go back to heaven.  She hadn't even been on my mind a lot lately, but next Tuesday is the 6 year anniversary of the day she died, so about this time each year I start to think about her more than other times.  She was beautiful, inside & out...she was almost like a sister to me.  We had inside jokes, and secrets, and the best part about our friendship was we NEVER fought.  Well never, except once...not even a week before she died.  We were chatting online and she was going to go back to one of her ex's that didn't deserve her & I told her that.  I sent her an offline message apologizing, but I don't know if she ever got it.  But I never doubted in my heart that she knew how much I loved her.  She was the ONE person I could completely open up to, no matter what.  I miss her so much.  We had planned for me to become a doctor (or NP) and her become a nurse and she was going to work for me...it was gonna be awesome.  No doubt about it, I'll never have a nurse like she woulda been. 

I love you so much, Kayla.  And I praise God for giving me glipses of you and letting me hear your voice from time to time in my dreams.  You are always in my heart. 

RIP Kayla Diane Oliver 
April 17, 1987-February 1, 2005
Gone but not Forgotten

School has started...

After 2 weeks of delays, we finally had our first class of the Spring 2011 semester.  While I hate school, I was so glad to finally get this semester underway because that means the faster it'll (hopefully) go by and the sooner I'll be done altogether. I really haven't felt like blogging lately.  There's really not much to blog about, except whining and stressing over school & I'll save y'all the torture of reading that.  On a happier note, I am completely loving clinical...I have an amazing preceptor & we've been pretty busy & I really feel like I'm going to learn a lot.  And everyday I'm there I realize how much I will love my job once I get done.  It makes the entire torturous experience completely worth it. 

As of today, I have 14 weeks left of this semester and 27 weeks until I am done with school.  Awesome...and kind of scary at the same time.  I find it hard to believe that I can love something so much & despise it so much at the same time. I guess that's just how it goes sometimes. 

It is time for bed...night y'all.

Clarity

I'm thinking that God is telling me "No" to Nicaragua.  Since I got the email with the opportunity to go, I had been battling myself about what I'm supposed to do.  Yesterday morning at church I kind of felt like I should go down and be prayed over about it but I didn't go.  And then Sunday night, I felt like that again, so I went down and got our missions pastor to pray over me.  After that, I felt at peace.  I still didn't have an answer, but I felt peace. 

 
Ever since the opportunity came up I was thinking how much I wanted to go back and on the other hand I was thinking about how I didn't have the finances.  But the thing is, neither one of those had anything to do with what God wants me to do.  My mind was so clouded by all my thoughts, I couldn't find God's will.  It's like after our missions pastor prayed for me I had clarity.  All my thoughts and worries had been pushed away so I could hear God.  Then this morning I was praying about it and in the back of my head I heard "no".  Ever since then I kind of have been disappointed that I'm not going, but at the same time I feel happiness with the "No" decision.

I think God has plans for me to return to Nicaragua, and maybe even other places, to do medical missions but just not this year.  Right now I'm feeling pretty positive about going next year, and I'm excited to see what opportunities God brings my way & which ones He says "Yes" to.

To Go or Not to Go?

Last September, I went on a medical mission trip to Nicaragua.  It was the most amazing experience.  God showed up and showed out and taught me a lot.  Well, I have been presented with an opportunity to back this September.  I want to go, I really do.  The thought of serving the Nicaraguan people and showing them God's love agian excites me.  But God hasn't told me to go yet.   Since I am in school and unemployed, I am unable to afford this trip on my own this year.  I know that if God calls me to go that He will provide, so I'm trying not to let that small fact cloud my eyes and ears. 

If I do decide to make the trip this year, it won't be with the same exact group of people.  The amazing couple who led our trip won't be leading it this year, but I do believe they will be going.  But we will join with another small group that is based out of a town near ours.  That fact really doesn't affect my decision, I'm kind of excited about getting to meet new people who have the same passion for serving our God as I do. 

Last year when I signed up to go on this trip, I just KNEW I had been called.  When I first saw the announcement on our church bulletin, I immediately thought "maybe I should go there" and then a few minutes later, my sister was like look, you should go on this trip.  After that I just knew I was going.  I didn't know a single other soul that was going on this trip, and as it turned out I was the youngest on our trip with the majority of the group being a good bit older than me.   This thought absolutely terrified me.  I had never been out of the country, much less with a group of people I didn't know.  But, God gave me comfort & strength and friends through this trip.

This year, when I first read the email about the prospect of going, at first I was like yeah, let's go...but immediately after I thought, well I can't afford it right now.  The trip is in September and I will finish school the first week of August, so that doesn't present an issue.  Last year, the majority of my trip was paid for by donations from friends & family.  I just don't know if I could ask them to do that again.  But like I've said earlier, God provides when He calls. 

So all you praying bloggers, I ask you to be in prayer for an answer from God, to go or not to go. 

Overwhelmed

I am starting to feel overwhelmed and I haven't even been to my first class of the semester.  I've been struggling to find my 3 preceptors for the semester.  I have to have one from Pediatrics, one from OB/GYN, and one from family.  The only easy one to find was Pediatrics.  After many, many days of phone calls and leaving messages and plain out pestering folks, I found a Family care preceptor. Now all that's left is to find OB/GYN.  I have made countless phone calls and most people just aren't taking students.  It really sucks.  I may have a lead though.  I will just feel so much better when I get it all situated. 

I'm also a little overwhelmed because one of my classes is Pharmacology and when I was in undergrad, it was my worst class.  It really stressed me out & I feel like I just barely passed.  I remember calling my mom like everyday stressing out & crying over that class (among others). 

When I start getting stressed like this, I wonder if I've actually gone insane by being back in school...but as always I come back to the fact that I've wanted to be a doctor/nurse practitioner for as long as I can remember and I'm just not satisfied being a nurse.  I think it's even more insane that I am already contemplating getting my DNP (Doctorate of Nursing Practice) a few years down the road.  As much as I hate school, I love the thought of knowing all I can know in my profession, and going as far as I can...Being on top of my game.  Or maybe I'm just a glutten for punishment...who knows. 

More Like Falling in love

This song is More Like Falling in Love by Jason Gray. It touched me so much when I really listened to the words the other day.

Religion is full of rituals, do's and don'ts and a list of things that you should or shouldn't believe is true. No passion or anything behind it. Religion is not what God wants from us. He wants us to fall in love with him. To be passionate about His name. This song is just amazing how it captures how as humans we can't live up to what God calls us to be on our own. Give us rules and things to do and we will always fail at some point. But through falling in love with our God, we have strength to do anything. It's not just a list of things to do or a set of do's & don'ts to follow, we do things He has called us to do out of our love and His love pours out of us onto others.

For the most part, the world sees believers as boring and restricted in their life. But in all honesty, we live a life of freedom, unrestricted, all out in love with the creator of the universe!

Winter Storm

Last week, in Mississippi, we rang in 2011 with tornados, this week we are all shut inside again, this time with sleet, snow, and ice, although I have yet to see any snow.  Icy roads in Mississippi means everything shuts down.  Which means the beginning of my second semester of grad school will have to wait...which is perfectly fine by me.  I'm not really prepared to get back into school mode. 

Sometimes I think I'm absolutely insane for going back to school, but then I think about getting out and doing something I absolutely love and it makes it all worth it.    Just remind me of this simple statement when I'm completely stressed out and going out of my mind in a few weeks.