Dreams

Last night, I had a dream about my best friend who passed away nearly 6 years ago at the age of 17.  Even though it's been just about 6 years, thoughts of her still bring tears to my eyes.  I miss her so much.  In my dream, I don't really remember much, but I remember that she got to come back to earth to see us for a weekend, but she had to go back to heaven.  She hadn't even been on my mind a lot lately, but next Tuesday is the 6 year anniversary of the day she died, so about this time each year I start to think about her more than other times.  She was beautiful, inside & out...she was almost like a sister to me.  We had inside jokes, and secrets, and the best part about our friendship was we NEVER fought.  Well never, except once...not even a week before she died.  We were chatting online and she was going to go back to one of her ex's that didn't deserve her & I told her that.  I sent her an offline message apologizing, but I don't know if she ever got it.  But I never doubted in my heart that she knew how much I loved her.  She was the ONE person I could completely open up to, no matter what.  I miss her so much.  We had planned for me to become a doctor (or NP) and her become a nurse and she was going to work for me...it was gonna be awesome.  No doubt about it, I'll never have a nurse like she woulda been. 

I love you so much, Kayla.  And I praise God for giving me glipses of you and letting me hear your voice from time to time in my dreams.  You are always in my heart. 

RIP Kayla Diane Oliver 
April 17, 1987-February 1, 2005
Gone but not Forgotten

School has started...

After 2 weeks of delays, we finally had our first class of the Spring 2011 semester.  While I hate school, I was so glad to finally get this semester underway because that means the faster it'll (hopefully) go by and the sooner I'll be done altogether. I really haven't felt like blogging lately.  There's really not much to blog about, except whining and stressing over school & I'll save y'all the torture of reading that.  On a happier note, I am completely loving clinical...I have an amazing preceptor & we've been pretty busy & I really feel like I'm going to learn a lot.  And everyday I'm there I realize how much I will love my job once I get done.  It makes the entire torturous experience completely worth it. 

As of today, I have 14 weeks left of this semester and 27 weeks until I am done with school.  Awesome...and kind of scary at the same time.  I find it hard to believe that I can love something so much & despise it so much at the same time. I guess that's just how it goes sometimes. 

It is time for bed...night y'all.

Clarity

I'm thinking that God is telling me "No" to Nicaragua.  Since I got the email with the opportunity to go, I had been battling myself about what I'm supposed to do.  Yesterday morning at church I kind of felt like I should go down and be prayed over about it but I didn't go.  And then Sunday night, I felt like that again, so I went down and got our missions pastor to pray over me.  After that, I felt at peace.  I still didn't have an answer, but I felt peace. 

 
Ever since the opportunity came up I was thinking how much I wanted to go back and on the other hand I was thinking about how I didn't have the finances.  But the thing is, neither one of those had anything to do with what God wants me to do.  My mind was so clouded by all my thoughts, I couldn't find God's will.  It's like after our missions pastor prayed for me I had clarity.  All my thoughts and worries had been pushed away so I could hear God.  Then this morning I was praying about it and in the back of my head I heard "no".  Ever since then I kind of have been disappointed that I'm not going, but at the same time I feel happiness with the "No" decision.

I think God has plans for me to return to Nicaragua, and maybe even other places, to do medical missions but just not this year.  Right now I'm feeling pretty positive about going next year, and I'm excited to see what opportunities God brings my way & which ones He says "Yes" to.

To Go or Not to Go?

Last September, I went on a medical mission trip to Nicaragua.  It was the most amazing experience.  God showed up and showed out and taught me a lot.  Well, I have been presented with an opportunity to back this September.  I want to go, I really do.  The thought of serving the Nicaraguan people and showing them God's love agian excites me.  But God hasn't told me to go yet.   Since I am in school and unemployed, I am unable to afford this trip on my own this year.  I know that if God calls me to go that He will provide, so I'm trying not to let that small fact cloud my eyes and ears. 

If I do decide to make the trip this year, it won't be with the same exact group of people.  The amazing couple who led our trip won't be leading it this year, but I do believe they will be going.  But we will join with another small group that is based out of a town near ours.  That fact really doesn't affect my decision, I'm kind of excited about getting to meet new people who have the same passion for serving our God as I do. 

Last year when I signed up to go on this trip, I just KNEW I had been called.  When I first saw the announcement on our church bulletin, I immediately thought "maybe I should go there" and then a few minutes later, my sister was like look, you should go on this trip.  After that I just knew I was going.  I didn't know a single other soul that was going on this trip, and as it turned out I was the youngest on our trip with the majority of the group being a good bit older than me.   This thought absolutely terrified me.  I had never been out of the country, much less with a group of people I didn't know.  But, God gave me comfort & strength and friends through this trip.

This year, when I first read the email about the prospect of going, at first I was like yeah, let's go...but immediately after I thought, well I can't afford it right now.  The trip is in September and I will finish school the first week of August, so that doesn't present an issue.  Last year, the majority of my trip was paid for by donations from friends & family.  I just don't know if I could ask them to do that again.  But like I've said earlier, God provides when He calls. 

So all you praying bloggers, I ask you to be in prayer for an answer from God, to go or not to go. 

Overwhelmed

I am starting to feel overwhelmed and I haven't even been to my first class of the semester.  I've been struggling to find my 3 preceptors for the semester.  I have to have one from Pediatrics, one from OB/GYN, and one from family.  The only easy one to find was Pediatrics.  After many, many days of phone calls and leaving messages and plain out pestering folks, I found a Family care preceptor. Now all that's left is to find OB/GYN.  I have made countless phone calls and most people just aren't taking students.  It really sucks.  I may have a lead though.  I will just feel so much better when I get it all situated. 

I'm also a little overwhelmed because one of my classes is Pharmacology and when I was in undergrad, it was my worst class.  It really stressed me out & I feel like I just barely passed.  I remember calling my mom like everyday stressing out & crying over that class (among others). 

When I start getting stressed like this, I wonder if I've actually gone insane by being back in school...but as always I come back to the fact that I've wanted to be a doctor/nurse practitioner for as long as I can remember and I'm just not satisfied being a nurse.  I think it's even more insane that I am already contemplating getting my DNP (Doctorate of Nursing Practice) a few years down the road.  As much as I hate school, I love the thought of knowing all I can know in my profession, and going as far as I can...Being on top of my game.  Or maybe I'm just a glutten for punishment...who knows. 

More Like Falling in love

This song is More Like Falling in Love by Jason Gray. It touched me so much when I really listened to the words the other day.

Religion is full of rituals, do's and don'ts and a list of things that you should or shouldn't believe is true. No passion or anything behind it. Religion is not what God wants from us. He wants us to fall in love with him. To be passionate about His name. This song is just amazing how it captures how as humans we can't live up to what God calls us to be on our own. Give us rules and things to do and we will always fail at some point. But through falling in love with our God, we have strength to do anything. It's not just a list of things to do or a set of do's & don'ts to follow, we do things He has called us to do out of our love and His love pours out of us onto others.

For the most part, the world sees believers as boring and restricted in their life. But in all honesty, we live a life of freedom, unrestricted, all out in love with the creator of the universe!

Winter Storm

Last week, in Mississippi, we rang in 2011 with tornados, this week we are all shut inside again, this time with sleet, snow, and ice, although I have yet to see any snow.  Icy roads in Mississippi means everything shuts down.  Which means the beginning of my second semester of grad school will have to wait...which is perfectly fine by me.  I'm not really prepared to get back into school mode. 

Sometimes I think I'm absolutely insane for going back to school, but then I think about getting out and doing something I absolutely love and it makes it all worth it.    Just remind me of this simple statement when I'm completely stressed out and going out of my mind in a few weeks.