:(

It's not painfully obvious that we are not only no longer friends but we were never really friends in the first place. You could have at least pretended to be excited to bump into me when I haven't seen or spoken to you in years. But then again, you've probably forgotten all about me and had no clue who I was. I spent so much time holding on, hoping you'd be the guy I was friends with (well, thought I was friends with). But now I truly see, you are someone completely different than who I thought you were &; it's way past time for me to purge myself of you, and get over it & move on. I've known that our friendship has been over, it still kinda stung.

7 years & I still cry

Seven years ago I was a freshman in college.  I had gotten done with classes for the day & was at home working on the computer when my phone rang.  I got news that I never expected to hear.  Kayla had died in a car wreck earlier in the day. I didn't believe him, I told him multiple times that he was lying & it was a joke.  I was in shock. I walked into the room my dad was in & just simply said "Daddy, Kayla was killed in a car wreck today." At this point I hadn't cried, I was in too much shock, I guess.  He just grabbed me and hugged me tight & the tears started falling.

Kayla was one of my best friends.  She had a smile & laugh that could brighten the day.  She was always there when I needed a shoulder, advice, or just wanted to act completely stupid & silly.  She was beautiful, smart, sweet.  She was like a sister to me.  We could talk about anything & everything. We had stupid inside jokes that still make me laugh when I think about them.  We both played the flute in band & sat right beside each other...and talked the entire time! We were always talking, we traded notes as often as we saw each other.  There was nothing we couldn't tell each other.  No matter what was going on, I was able to say anything without feeling like she would think bad of me or wouldn't agree or whatever.  She had a beautiful heart.

It's hard to believe seven years has passed since I last saw her smile, or heard her laugh.  It's hard to believe that seven years has passed since I've been able to pour my heart out to her, or to just listen to everything that was going on in her life.  Right after she died, I cried constantly, I didn't see how I'd ever be okay again.  And now I've realized that part of me will never be okay again.  Part of me will always miss her & ache to talk to her or see her.  But, on the other hand, it is okay for me to be happy and live my life, keeping her memory close at hand.  We always said that I'd become a doctor (pediatrician) and she'd be my nurse.  Now the time has come where I actually am a health care provider (nurse practitioner, not doctor) & I think about how it would be for her to be my nurse.    She would have been an amazing nurse.

For reasons I don't understand, God called her home at a young age.  He knew that she'd be greatly missed in this world, but her purpose was fulfilled.  I know she's in a better place, rejoicing in God's glory with her mom, but I still miss her more than words can say.  She made a great impact on my life as well as so many others.  No matter how many years go by, her memory will live on in my heart.

It's been a while...

In about 4 weeks I'll have my MSN and be ready to take certification exam for FNP.  I'm so excited & so nervous at the same time!!  This year has flown by...it seems like just yesterday I was starting my first semester!  There's still a lot to do before I'm completely at ease...like pass certifications & find a job!  Next week is our last week of class...just a few more papers to turn in & present our research.  I'm nervous about not finding a job...there doesn't seem to be many NP openings around here, but who knows maybe I'm just not looking in the right places.  I'm just praying the right job for me presents itself soon!!

I'm gonna be an aunt again very soon!  Well not biologically an aunt, but that doesn't really matter.  My best friend is expecting her baby any day now.  She's not due until August 7, but her doc doesn't expect her to go longer than August 1.  We'll find out then if I have a new nephew or niece...they chose to be surprised about the gender.  I'm SO SO SO excited!

Dreams

Last night, I had a dream about my best friend who passed away nearly 6 years ago at the age of 17.  Even though it's been just about 6 years, thoughts of her still bring tears to my eyes.  I miss her so much.  In my dream, I don't really remember much, but I remember that she got to come back to earth to see us for a weekend, but she had to go back to heaven.  She hadn't even been on my mind a lot lately, but next Tuesday is the 6 year anniversary of the day she died, so about this time each year I start to think about her more than other times.  She was beautiful, inside & out...she was almost like a sister to me.  We had inside jokes, and secrets, and the best part about our friendship was we NEVER fought.  Well never, except once...not even a week before she died.  We were chatting online and she was going to go back to one of her ex's that didn't deserve her & I told her that.  I sent her an offline message apologizing, but I don't know if she ever got it.  But I never doubted in my heart that she knew how much I loved her.  She was the ONE person I could completely open up to, no matter what.  I miss her so much.  We had planned for me to become a doctor (or NP) and her become a nurse and she was going to work for me...it was gonna be awesome.  No doubt about it, I'll never have a nurse like she woulda been. 

I love you so much, Kayla.  And I praise God for giving me glipses of you and letting me hear your voice from time to time in my dreams.  You are always in my heart. 

RIP Kayla Diane Oliver 
April 17, 1987-February 1, 2005
Gone but not Forgotten