I'm ready to disappear for a lil while...anyone have any holes I can crawl into or rocks I can hide under for a while??

There's no place for me to be completely & utterly alone to even give me the illusion of disappearing for a lil while....I need the country with woods in the back yard so I can just walk out there & the whole world will vanish for as long as I want it to.

I want...

Feeling alone and left out as usual. Not sure why really...I spent the whole day with my sister, it was nice. I didn't feel like she was only spending time with me because her boyfriend wasn't around, but kinda like just wanted to spend time with me. I'm happy she's in love, but I'm not happy for me. Because I'm left out in the cold. Alone. I feel like I don't have anywhere to belong. She wants him to stay at the house some and it makes me feel like its not my house when they are there, it's just awkward & I don't like it. I don't really like being at my parents all the time because let's face it, there's a reason I moved out in the first place. But the home I've loved for the past 3 years doesn't feel like mine anymore.

I want somewhere I can go to truly be alone. Somewhere I don't have to put up any fronts or talk to anyone. I don't have that place...I want my sister to understand how hard this affects me...I want a change in my life. I want a job, a boyfriend, a place of my own. I want people to stop asking me how the job search is going. I want someone to see me as the best nurse practitioner ever & hire me. I want people to stop telling me that God has something special planned for me...don't you think I know that??? I want people to stop acting like its just that simple to sit back & wait & in the "perfect timing" the perfect job for me will just show up or the perfect man. I want to stop having to act so freaking happy all the time when what I really want to do is crawl in a hole and forget the world for a while. I want to disappear for a while...just go somewhere where there's no stress over money or jobs or boys or friends and I can just relax. I want to stop crying so freaking much I mean I just don't cry, that's not me. I want to have a higher opinion of myself. I want to see myself as desirable instead of just fat & uninteresting. I want to stop thinking that I have no chance with this guy just because I'm not skinny. I want the guy to actually show some interest in me. I want to stop feeling so vulnerable. I want to stop fighting with my sister so much so she can just be happy. I want her to be sensitive to my feelings & unhappiness. I want her to care how I feel. I want to turn off all my emotions so I don't get hurt anymore. I want to be be the me that I was before FNP school. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself.