I.Give.Up.

Yep, I'm having one of THOSE moments.  I give up on ever finding a guy.  It's just not gonna happen...got my hopes all up about this guy from the clinic & it's so obvious that he's not interested & I just look pathetic.  So I give up, but for some reason I can't make myself delete him from facebook.  I really should though.

I know all the things I should say/think...I am so blessed with the life I have (no doubt, I am, way more blessed than I deserve); the right guy will come along (IF he's out there, he got lost & won't ask for directions); I'm still young (true, but it's hard to feel that I'm too young to be married when most of my friends are married & have babies)

And most of the time I'm pretty good about keeping the upbeat attitude, but then there are times when I feel it's absolutely pointless to be positive about it.

I'm also starting to get anxious about a job...still no interviews...and I talked to this recruiting company and the lady seems to think that my chances of finding my dream job without relocating, which really bums me out because I love where I'm at right now...

Kinda strange...

Sometimes when I have elderly patients in clinical it makes me miss my grandparents. They have all went to be with Jesus.   I had one of those moments today, especially missing my Mamaw Kelly (my mom's mom).  Maybe it's because her birthday would have been Monday or that next Wednesday it will have been 7 years since she left this world.  She babysat me from the time I was like 6 weeks old until I was about 9 when she had a stroke.  After the stroke, she wasn't the same Mamaw I had known, and had to be put in a nursing home for most of the rest of her time on this earth.  But when she died when I was 18, it still broke my heart into a thousand pieces.  I miss her everyday, and from time to time thoughts of her still make me cry.  I think of how she's in heaven now with no more pain, and her brain is fully restored, and she's walking, no running, around the streets of gold and it makes me smile, and long for the days when I'll see her again.  I was blessed with the greatest grandparents a girl could ask for, I just wish they hadn't been taken from me so early in my life.  But I have hope because I will see them again one day without the limitations of this world.

It's been a while...

In about 4 weeks I'll have my MSN and be ready to take certification exam for FNP.  I'm so excited & so nervous at the same time!!  This year has flown by...it seems like just yesterday I was starting my first semester!  There's still a lot to do before I'm completely at ease...like pass certifications & find a job!  Next week is our last week of class...just a few more papers to turn in & present our research.  I'm nervous about not finding a job...there doesn't seem to be many NP openings around here, but who knows maybe I'm just not looking in the right places.  I'm just praying the right job for me presents itself soon!!

I'm gonna be an aunt again very soon!  Well not biologically an aunt, but that doesn't really matter.  My best friend is expecting her baby any day now.  She's not due until August 7, but her doc doesn't expect her to go longer than August 1.  We'll find out then if I have a new nephew or niece...they chose to be surprised about the gender.  I'm SO SO SO excited!

Randomness is what I do best...

Hmm...so the world didn't end on Saturday as predicted.  Not that I actually thought it would.  I think it's crazy that a "Christian" so blatently disputed the Bible.  He was so adament that we COULD know the day & time, when the Bible clearly states that NO ONE can know the day or the hour, not even the Son or the angels in heaven. 

Most people are starting their summers this week.  Kids are getting out of school and everyone's preparing for their summer vacations, etc.  But not for me.  I've been out of school since the first week in May, and I'm preparing to get back to school!  I start my last semester of NP school on June 1.  And I'm sure I will be completely swamped with school until I finish on August 5.  I'm excited, nervous, and even a little bit stressed at the idea of this last semester.  I'm also getting a little stressed about finding a job.  I just really hope I can find one before August! 

I'm ready for a little excitement in my life, but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.  Mainly because of the topic mentioned above.  School makes life incredibly boring!  Well, that and not having any money, which is caused by the whole school thing... I'm ready for a guy in my life. So lame, I know...still kind of disappointed that things seem as if they aren't going anywhere with the guy my preceptor tried to set me up with.  Still haven't heard anything from him.  I broke down and sent him a message on Facebook the other day, on the advice of a friend.  All it said was, "Hey. How are you?" because I had no idea what to say...Lame, I know!  But he never replied so I can only assume he isn't interested.  I've debated deleting him from my facebook because I don't really have a reason to have him on there if I'm never going to talk to him.  I'm not much for having random people on my friend's list.  I know no one probably reads this, so I just use it as more of an outlet to express my feelings because I find it hard to do otherwise.  I feel incredibly desperate for wanting him to call/text/message so bad because I don't even know him...all I know is the stuff he posts on facebook.  I feel like since I've added him & sent that one message that if I do anything else it'll come across as desperate.  Adding him & sending the message, should indicate that I'm interested, right.  So, I shouldn't do anything else.  Just kinda wondering when something will work out for me...

My crazy life

Well as of yesterday, I finished my 2nd semester of NP school.  Which means I am now 2/3 of the way finished.  Actually closer than that...our last semester is only 8 weeks & begins on June 1.  I will finish on August 5th!  I am getting soo excited, but extremely nervous at the same time about finding a job & keeping my sanity through the summer.  School has been keeping me really busy & REALLY stressed!!  Hopefully this summer won't be quite so bad. 

But on to more important things...
Like 2 weeks ago, my preceptor from last semester called me and asked me if I remembered this patient that I saw at her clinic one time.   It was a guy around my age who they just thought would be perfect for me...so I remembered him.  Well, he was at the clinic & they were talking and he was asking if I was still there & stuff and they told him that they thought we'd make a good couple & he said he thought I was cute. Basically, my preceptor called to ask if she could give him my number & to give me his number & to tell me that he said he had a facebook and I could contact him there if I wanted to.  Well I told her she could give him my number.  So she did.  Well...he never called.  She even texted me like a week later & asked about it.  So, after talking to my best friend I decided to add him on facebook, so I did & he accepted  my request, but he still hasn't called.  I am determined that I am NOT going to call him first...but I really want him to call me.  It's not like I have a huge crush on him or anything, but it'd just be nice to see what happened, ya know? 

Well that's basically the interesting stuff going on in my life at the moment...any input?

Wanna know more about me??

What is your name?   Courtney

What is your zodiac sign?   Libra

What kind of music do you enjoy listening to?   Christian, 80's, 90's, Country..I know a random variety

Do you like sports (watch or play)? yep.  Baseball, football, soccer, hockey!

What is your relationship status?  single

Do you have any children? nope, unless you count my 2 nephews & niece that I love with all my hear
What are 2 of your favorite foods?  pizza, mexican

Do you have any pets? yep, one dog, a 6 year old Chi-a-Dach named Rebel
Any tattoos or piercings? just my ears...I've considered a tattoo, but I can't make up my mind.

Do you have siblings?  2 older sisters

How is your relationship with your parents? great!

What is your occupation? RN...grad student, will be Family Nurse Practitioner in about 4 months!!!

What is your ideal job? Pediatric Nurse Practitioner

What was your best subject in school? In high school, I didn't have a bad subject...my favorite was Math though. 
Your worst subject in school? didn't like History so much

What is something you like to do in your downtime? read

What is your favorite season? Spring...even though Mississippi doesn't really have a spring

What is your least favorite house chore? bathroom

What time do you usually go to bed? 10:00-10:30

Do you wear glasses or contacts? contacts most of the time, but I do have glasses that I wear when necessary
Do you miss anyone at the moment? yeah, missing both sets of grandparents & my best friend, Kayla.  They've all been with Jesus for a while now, but I still miss them
Last time you took a bubble bath? years & years ago...not a bubble bath person. 

What is one thing you want to accomplish this year? graduate NP school & get a good job

What is your favorite holiday? Christmas, I love everything about the season

Do you have any allergies? just seasonal stuff
Do you enjoy thunderstorms? NOT at all

Have you/do you plan to vote this year? yeah, I always vote

What cell phone provider do you use? AT&T

Do you speak any languages besides English? no, I want to learn Spanish though

What is a smell that you love? fresh cut grass

What is the last vacation you went on? to Destin, FL in Sept. 2009

Have you ever been horseback riding? yeah, when I was younger

Have you ever gambled at a casino? yeah, like once...not my thing

What is the last thing you ate and drank? Water, cheesecake

What time do you wake up in the morning? typically 6:30, but it depends on what I'm doing that day

Do you have any quotes that you really like?yeah.  "Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."  that's probably my most favorite
What is the last song you listened to? listening to "The Motions" by Matthew West at the moment

What radio stations do you listen to? KLOVE, JackFM (oldies station)

Do you sleep with your closet Door open or closed, or does it matter? closed

Do you prefer to sleep with any light in the room, or in total darkness? light from my TV or total darkness...either way

If you are having a hard time getting to sleep, What is something you do to help you fall asleep?  making the room quiet...that's about it.

What is the weather like right now where you are? pleasant, a little warm, but hey it's MS

Do you close the door when you use the bathroom or shower when you're home alone? not always

Next vacation you plan to go on? cruise in August after I finish school
Do you have any nicknames?  Court, Grace, Court-Court

Are you watching tv right now? nope

When is the last time you cried? teared up earlier thinking about all the people I miss. but really cried...a couple of weeks ago when I watched Army Wives

Have you ever been in love? only with Jesus

Have you gotten so drunk that you Dont remember what happened the next day? nope, never been drunk at all

Do you always wear your seatbelt?  yes

What do you like to order at Ihop?  cheesecake pancakes

What was your last injury and how did it happen?  I skinned my toes when I was swinging with my youngest nephew &; was trying to stop

If you could have one superhero ability, What would it be? flying...I hate driving!

What is the last movie you saw in the theater? Red Riding Hood

What are 2 fruits that you really like? watermelon & grapes

What is the first tv show theme song that you can think of? Fresh Prince of Bel-Air...weird I know.

How do you feel about your family? love them, even though they get on my nerves, I'll always have their back

What is your favorite salad dressing? Ranch or Honey Mustard
Do you call anyone by their last name? Yeah a couple of guys that I know

Have you ever walked into the bathroom for the opposite sex by accident (or on purpose)? no

Do you smoke, drink or use any kind of drugs? nope

Have you ever had your heart broken? nope

If you could go back in time and change anything from your past, would you do so? yes, I'd spend more time with my grandparents & Kayla, and not take the time I had with them for granted
Do you hate anyone? no

Are you angry with anyone at the moment? only the vice principal at  my nephew's school...

Is there something else you should be doing right now? yes, I should be in bed!

Who is the next person you are going to see? probably my sister because we live together

Who is the next person you are going to email?  either my advisor or my research partner

He loves me anyway

God seems to speak to me a lot through songs. Certain songs lift me up & leave me feeling refreshed in my walk with my Heavenly Father.  There's nothing better than jamming out to a song that sings about our awesome God.  One song that really spoke to me the other day is You Love me Anyway by Sidewalk Prophets. 

Here are the lyrics:

The question was raised

As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind

Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me
It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway

See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life


I found myself listening to this song, driving down the road with tears streaming down my face.  It hit me hard as I realized that each piece of torture Jesus bore was because of me...for ME he took the crown of thorns on his brow, for ME he took the nails in each wrist.  He bore it ALL for a sinner, who would betray him like Judas, who would mock him & call for him to die like the Jews.  He loved me even when I didn't love him.  Before I was born He LOVED ME!  He bore it all so I could spend eternity with him.  He loves me that much! 

Don't get me wrong, all this is stuff that I already knew but it's almost like it's something I forgot.  As Christians I think sometimes we don't see the depth of His love in the cross.  Like we KNOW that he died for our sins so we can have eternal life in our brains, but we picture his death on the cross like it  is so often depicted in pictures like this:

Completely intact & peaceful.  When it's so not how it was.  He SUFFERED!  He was beaten...his blood was literally spilled everywhere for us.  He was in anguish because the sins of everyone was on his shoulders.  More like this:


My God loved me First!  I didn't have to be good enough or try hard enough for him to love me...he loved me ANYWAY!