What's New?

I haven't been on here for a couple of weeks.  So, what's been going on with me?  On Wednesday April 4, my little Chiweenie went missing.  His name is Rebel & I've had him for over 7 years.  He somehow got out of my backyard, like's he's managed to do before, but he comes back.  This time he didn't.  I miss him terribly & have done everything I can think of to try to find him.  I can just hope that someone found him and is taking good care of him. 

 Hmm...what else is new?  Still no job...but I'm trying to not get anxious about it.  I actually had another interview, but they ended up giving the job to someone with experience, but one of the physicians there is trying to get them to hire me as well. I don't know if that will work out or not.  I mean this job isn't my dream job...but right now any job will do.  Praying is the only thing I can do at the moment.  

I have been working on losing weight for awhile now...I've lost about 12 pounds since I started keeping up with it in about August.  I haven't really been doing a lot to lose weight, but today I've decided that I'm getting serious about it!  I am going to start the couch to 5K today, but as soon as I got my shoes on & stepped outside, it started raining.  Hopefully it'll clear up in a minute & I'll get to get outside & complete day 1!  I'm also going to start keeping up with calories too.  I joined this cool website www.myfitnesspal.com.  So far, I'm liking it a lot!  

No April Fool's jokes here

I know my last couple of posts have been kind of sad and depressing, and I apologize for that.  That's typically not me.  Things have been kind of crazy for me lately...and I just don't know where else to turn but to this blog to get it all out and not feel judged.  My depression has typically been bad around the end of the month/beginning of the new month because that means another month has gone by without me getting a job.  But over the past couple of days...since my last post, I have been feeling strangely optimistic.  I am really hoping that is a good sign.  I'm still kind of stranded on a job coming through... a few things "in the works", but they've been "in the works" for quite some time now.  Just feeling hopeful that April will be the month something pulls through!!

I've been thinking about making some changes in my life...right now I'm living with my sister, where I've been for the past 3 years, but lately that arrangement is becoming strained, which is causing our relationship to be strained...and we've always been pretty close.  We live roughly an hour from our parents, and lately I've been spending a lot of time over there.   So I'm considering kinda/sorta moving back in with my parents.  By that I mean, I'd be staying there all the time, but I wouldn't move any of my furniture or anything out of my sister's house because basically I don't have anywhere to put it right now.  I am extremely hopeful that once I get a job I'll be able to find someplace close to my parents to rent...that is if my job is over close to where they live. Point is, I'm just kind of aching to get my own place. I haven't always been the person who likes being home alone, but lately I've just wanted my own place so I can make all the decisions, have people over, whoever I want & not worry about it bothering anyone...cook what I want, ya know...stuff you have to compromise on with roommates.

So here's to April being a great month!

I'm ready to disappear for a lil while...anyone have any holes I can crawl into or rocks I can hide under for a while??

There's no place for me to be completely & utterly alone to even give me the illusion of disappearing for a lil while....I need the country with woods in the back yard so I can just walk out there & the whole world will vanish for as long as I want it to.

I want...

Feeling alone and left out as usual. Not sure why really...I spent the whole day with my sister, it was nice. I didn't feel like she was only spending time with me because her boyfriend wasn't around, but kinda like just wanted to spend time with me. I'm happy she's in love, but I'm not happy for me. Because I'm left out in the cold. Alone. I feel like I don't have anywhere to belong. She wants him to stay at the house some and it makes me feel like its not my house when they are there, it's just awkward & I don't like it. I don't really like being at my parents all the time because let's face it, there's a reason I moved out in the first place. But the home I've loved for the past 3 years doesn't feel like mine anymore.

I want somewhere I can go to truly be alone. Somewhere I don't have to put up any fronts or talk to anyone. I don't have that place...I want my sister to understand how hard this affects me...I want a change in my life. I want a job, a boyfriend, a place of my own. I want people to stop asking me how the job search is going. I want someone to see me as the best nurse practitioner ever & hire me. I want people to stop telling me that God has something special planned for me...don't you think I know that??? I want people to stop acting like its just that simple to sit back & wait & in the "perfect timing" the perfect job for me will just show up or the perfect man. I want to stop having to act so freaking happy all the time when what I really want to do is crawl in a hole and forget the world for a while. I want to disappear for a while...just go somewhere where there's no stress over money or jobs or boys or friends and I can just relax. I want to stop crying so freaking much I mean I just don't cry, that's not me. I want to have a higher opinion of myself. I want to see myself as desirable instead of just fat & uninteresting. I want to stop thinking that I have no chance with this guy just because I'm not skinny. I want the guy to actually show some interest in me. I want to stop feeling so vulnerable. I want to stop fighting with my sister so much so she can just be happy. I want her to be sensitive to my feelings & unhappiness. I want her to care how I feel. I want to turn off all my emotions so I don't get hurt anymore. I want to be be the me that I was before FNP school. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself.

7 years & I still cry

Seven years ago I was a freshman in college.  I had gotten done with classes for the day & was at home working on the computer when my phone rang.  I got news that I never expected to hear.  Kayla had died in a car wreck earlier in the day. I didn't believe him, I told him multiple times that he was lying & it was a joke.  I was in shock. I walked into the room my dad was in & just simply said "Daddy, Kayla was killed in a car wreck today." At this point I hadn't cried, I was in too much shock, I guess.  He just grabbed me and hugged me tight & the tears started falling.

Kayla was one of my best friends.  She had a smile & laugh that could brighten the day.  She was always there when I needed a shoulder, advice, or just wanted to act completely stupid & silly.  She was beautiful, smart, sweet.  She was like a sister to me.  We could talk about anything & everything. We had stupid inside jokes that still make me laugh when I think about them.  We both played the flute in band & sat right beside each other...and talked the entire time! We were always talking, we traded notes as often as we saw each other.  There was nothing we couldn't tell each other.  No matter what was going on, I was able to say anything without feeling like she would think bad of me or wouldn't agree or whatever.  She had a beautiful heart.

It's hard to believe seven years has passed since I last saw her smile, or heard her laugh.  It's hard to believe that seven years has passed since I've been able to pour my heart out to her, or to just listen to everything that was going on in her life.  Right after she died, I cried constantly, I didn't see how I'd ever be okay again.  And now I've realized that part of me will never be okay again.  Part of me will always miss her & ache to talk to her or see her.  But, on the other hand, it is okay for me to be happy and live my life, keeping her memory close at hand.  We always said that I'd become a doctor (pediatrician) and she'd be my nurse.  Now the time has come where I actually am a health care provider (nurse practitioner, not doctor) & I think about how it would be for her to be my nurse.    She would have been an amazing nurse.

For reasons I don't understand, God called her home at a young age.  He knew that she'd be greatly missed in this world, but her purpose was fulfilled.  I know she's in a better place, rejoicing in God's glory with her mom, but I still miss her more than words can say.  She made a great impact on my life as well as so many others.  No matter how many years go by, her memory will live on in my heart.

Same ole, Same ole

Well, the lack of updates pretty much means nothing has changed.  Not much anyway.  Still looking for a job.  I had a great possibility that I had gotten very excited about and it fell through.  The day after that happened, I got 2 interviews...both for jobs back towards where I'm from (which is an hour from where I live now).  Since I got those calls, I've come to believe that God is going to move me back that way.  Something I had adamently opposed earlier.  I'm okay with it now though.  The first interview went okay, I'm hoping to hear something soon about a second interview.  The second interview was pretty much a bust because they needed someone who could practice independently & I'm about 4 1/2 months away from being able to do that, BUT she did say she would have another opportunity that she might could work with me on that.  The one I'm waiting to hear about a second interview is by no means my dream job, but at this point I'm not looking for dream job...I'm looking for a JOB that gets me experience.  I know that God has a special place picked out for me & he will place me there when the time is right.  

But back to God preparing me to move back "home".  At first I was so opposed to moving back closer just because I love where I am now & didn't really see anything over there for me.  But I've been spending more & more time over there, staying with my parents & hanging out with my oldest nephew (mostly) & then this week while I was there I spent some time with my cousin, who is one of my closest friends, & with my best friend.  I realized that there's a lot more there for me than I realized.  Plus my nephew wants to set me up with his girlfriend's cousin...and I'm not completely opposed to that.  He's cute, funny...I wouldn't mind getting to know him.  So we'll see what happens.

01/01/2012

2011 just disappeared...it went by SO fast...I guess that's what happens when you spend most of the year with your nose stuck in nursing books.  Despite the stress & trials I wouldn't trade this past year for anything.  True, there are things that I wish had turned out differently, but ya know, all things happen for a reason.  I still haven't figured out those reasons, but maybe I'm not supposed to.  I'm looking forward to 2012...I figure it HAS to get better than the end of 2011 was.

I've really been struggling with a lot of stuff lately, not being able to find a job,  being single (eternally, it seems), and due to both of the previous dealing with loneliness & almost seemingly depression.  It's not like I think I'm clinically depressed or anything, but I just feel down & isolated lately.  I'm pretty introverted so I don't make friends easily.  It's not that I'm stuck up or I don't want new friends, I just don't know how to get to know people...when I'm around people I don't know, I don't feel like I have anything to say so I just stay quiet which doesn't lead to making friends...  I mean, this is part of the reason why I'm single too...and whenever anyone tries to set me up, I adamantly protest...I don't know why, I mean I should be open to meeting anyone, so what if it doesn't work out? Like just recently, my nephew (who is 14, almost 15) wanted to set me up with his girlfriend's cousin.  And I was just like NO, I mean I don't even know her cousin, so what was the harm?  I have it in my mind that no one would be interested, so why try...I know, with that mindset, of course it won't happen.

Typically I don't make New Year's Resolutions...I've never really seen the point of setting all these goals just because it's a different year.  But this year, I think I may set some goals for myself, not just because it's a new year, but because it's time for a change in my life.  I can't be happy the way I am now, and it seems like I'm making those around me miserable too.

1. Pray more often.  Prayer is a powerful thing & I take it for granted.  God wants me to open my heart & soul to him completely, but when I hold on to the things that I'm worrying about, I'm not completely letting him in.
2. Read my Bible everyday, even if it's just one or two verses.  I'm going to try to do the One Year Bible with my church.  
3. Be more open to meeting new people, put myself out there & be uncomfortable for a moment for the possibility of making friends.  
4. Say 'Yes' whenever anyone wants to set me up (if that occasion presents itself this year).
5. Exercise.  I'd love to make one of my goals "lose weight", but that goal is one of the main ones that fails for everyone.  Exercise not only helps with physical health, but it also helps with mental health.